Deep inhale. A girl from my Monday morning Bible study is
burying her toddler this week. My mind has drifted to the darkest places since
finding out. The burning in my throat of tears welling without warning begins,
and I have to completely stop what I’m doing to sob. I have 3 small children. I
have experienced such anxiety that is crippling. I ACHE for this girl and her
husband and their other daughter. Instantaneously, that is how it happens. Life
completely altered forever. When we do not expect it, of course because we
never expect it, we lose life and loved ones. How does this fit into having joy?
I am reading Anne Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts devotional and seeking deepest
joy – not just in the mundane – but in the dark and hurtful, painful
tribulations too. I have racked my brain about a young mom saying goodbye to a
baby girl, a little sister, a future bride and friend. My flesh kicks back, but
my heart is yielding to the Holy Spirit today. As I went for a jog that ended
in stopping to cry out for this mom's sorrow and grief, and my own selfish panicking anxiety -- and let’s
just call it what it is, FEAR -- I was reminded of something. You can’t cheat or outrun death. But NOT
BECAUSE YOU ARE PLAYING A GAME WITH IT OR RACING IT. NO! Each day we are all
one day closer to it. Our determined day is already just that. Planned.
Determined. And not just randomly but by a PERFECT, OMIPRESENT, OMNIPOTENT HOLY
GOD! If I believe this, I know there are no accidents. It doesn't explain the why, the pain, the grief, the loss, but it does give way to relief and rest if we let His perfect love cover us and remind us of the Hope. I am ashamed of my
fleshly desire to control my children and their God-appointed fate. But the
fear! The fear is gripping. Christ commands us to not be anxious or afraid. And
a wise older lady said “We see this scripture and yet we still hold on to the
fears and anxiety, but really we need to call it what it is, sin.” In Matthew, God says "Don't worry about tomorrow. It has it's own set of problems. Sufficient to each day is the evil in it." Consider
this a command and you’ll realize you are sinning by continuing to black out
into the day-mares. That hits home for me. I’m like “Hey God, I trust you, but…”
Seriously there are no buts. “God, I
trust you.” Exhale.
I John 4:18 “Perfect love casts out fear.” Philippians 4:6-8 9 [“Do not be anxious about
anything, but in everything by prayer and thanksgiving make your requests known
to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your
hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, dwell on and think about what
is TRUE...”]
It’s just so hard, but it’s possible because I can do
all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13. To dwell on the
truth means I cannot even say “but if I just would have…” or “What if…” No! I
will not succumb to that today. Today I have greatest joy in knowing He is El
Elyon - God Most High.
